I climb trees and measure them. Some trees are higher than others. Everybody has a job. My job is to rank every tree I climb by height. It’s a tough job because I have to name each tree. I tried numbering each tree, but that just made things confusing on account of the ranking part.

For example, tree #1 might not be ranked #1, it might be ranked #17, and #17 might not be ranked #17, it might be ranked #1. All those numbers just made things difficult. Too many numbers on my Google Sheet. So I name the trees now. Human names.

 

I don’t like naming the trees with names of people that I know in real life. Every time I name a tree, I have to give it a name that is different than the name of any person I’ve ever met. I’ve met heaps of people, maybe not more than average, but still, heaps. It can be hard to think of a name for a tree that’s different than the name of somebody I’ve met.

So I have to find obscure names that I didn’t know existed. Names like Oleg or Oona. That’s why I’m always carrying around these Baby Name Books. I have to find names that aren’t shared with somebody I’ve met, and I have to find names that I haven’t already used for another tree. Each tree has to have a different name, or else the whole system would fall apart.

 

I don’t get why they’re called Baby Name Books, and not just because I use them to name trees and not babies. I know most people use Baby Name Books to name babies. My problem with the name of the books is that people don’t stay babies for very long, and the majority of people keep the names given to them as babies well into adulthood and often for their whole lives.

So Baby Name Books should be called just Name Books. But I don’t want to make a big deal about that. I don’t want to sound bitter or ungrateful to the people making these books. They’ve helped me out a great deal with my naming of trees. They’re doing a great job making these books and I don’t want it to seem like I’m implying otherwise. (Ironic that the books I’m using to give name to trees are actually made out of trees — but that’s another story.)

 

I bet you’re wondering what happens when I’ve already named a tree and then I later meet somebody with the same name. Do I politely explain the situation to that person and then ask them to change their name? No (but wouldn’t that be funny?) No, it wouldn’t be funny because I’d just met that person after all. Imagine meeting somebody and then they tell you that you have to change your name.

Ridiculous. So instead I just change the name of tree to another name of a person that I’ve never met. This can make it harder for me to remember a tree though, after I’ve already got to know it by one name. So on the Google Sheet I keep the old name, but place it in parenthesis after the new name.

 

It looks like this:

 

Mikah (Llewelyn)  Jack Pine  4 metres

 

Or

 

Elspeth (Samara)  Sycamore  18 metres

 

So that’s another difficulty of the job, but nobody ever said that the job had to be perfectly easy, and besides a good challenge is healthy for the mind and the soul. I’m very pleased to have this job. As I said, everybody has a job, and some jobs are pretty weird, but mine is nice, sometimes it has difficulties, sure, like everything, but it pays the bills and I get to be outside most of the time. And I love being outside.

 

___________________________________________________________________________

Jordan Moffatt is a writer and improviser living in Ottawa. His writing has appeared in many places online and in print, most recently or forthcoming in Bad Nudes, Matrix Magazine, tenderness yea, and This Magazine. Follow him on Twitter @jordanmoffatt and heck out his website: http://jordanmoffatt.website.

7 thoughts to “I Measure Trees and Give Them Names – Jordan Moffatt

  • adidas ultra boost

    I must show my appreciation to this writer for rescuing me from this type of issue. As a result of scouting throughout the online world and coming across things which are not helpful, I was thinking my entire life was over. Existing devoid of the approaches to the issues you’ve resolved through your good write-up is a critical case, and the ones that would have negatively affected my entire career if I hadn’t encountered your site. Your actual competence and kindness in taking care of the whole lot was tremendous. I’m not sure what I would have done if I hadn’t encountered such a subject like this. I am able to at this point relish my future. Thank you so much for the specialized and sensible help. I won’t be reluctant to propose your web page to any individual who wants and needs recommendations on this issue.

    Reply
  • Adidas NMD New Camouflage Main Green White

    An impressive share, I just given this onto a colleague who was doing slightly analysis on this. And he in reality bought me breakfast as a result of I found it for him.. smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the deal with! But yeah Thnkx for spending the time to debate this, I really feel strongly about it and love reading extra on this topic. If attainable, as you become expertise, would you mind updating your blog with extra details? It is highly useful for me. Massive thumb up for this blog submit!

    Reply
  • yeezy

    I together with my guys have already been checking out the great information and facts located on the website then the sudden I had a terrible suspicion I had not thanked the web site owner for those strategies. Those women are actually warmed to read through them and have in effect surely been having fun with those things. Appreciation for turning out to be quite considerate and for utilizing this kind of amazing subject matter most people are really eager to be aware of. Our own honest regret for not expressing gratitude to you earlier.

    Reply
  • yeezy boost

    I must show thanks to the writer just for bailing me out of this matter. As a result of browsing throughout the world wide web and seeing tips which are not powerful, I thought my life was well over. Being alive without the presence of answers to the difficulties you’ve sorted out through your main report is a serious case, and the kind which could have badly damaged my entire career if I hadn’t encountered your web blog. The competence and kindness in maneuvering every aspect was excellent. I don’t know what I would have done if I had not discovered such a solution like this. I can at this time look forward to my future. Thanks very much for the specialized and effective guide. I won’t be reluctant to refer your blog post to any person who will need guidance about this area.

    Reply
  • jordan retro

    I and my friends were reading the nice tactics located on your web blog and so instantly I got a horrible feeling I never thanked the web site owner for those techniques. All of the ladies became as a result passionate to study all of them and now have absolutely been having fun with these things. Appreciate your indeed being very helpful and also for opting for this sort of quality areas most people are really eager to know about. My personal sincere regret for not expressing gratitude to sooner.

    Reply
  • lebron 15

    I just wanted to develop a simple word so as to express gratitude to you for these nice suggestions you are posting on this site. My rather long internet look up has at the end of the day been recognized with high-quality points to write about with my friends. I ‘d express that many of us visitors are definitely blessed to be in a decent network with very many perfect people with very beneficial tips. I feel very much happy to have seen your entire weblog and look forward to plenty of more amazing times reading here. Thanks a lot once again for everything.

    Reply
  • bape hoodie

    I am only writing to let you know of the extraordinary experience my cousin’s child experienced reading through your webblog. She figured out many things, which include what it’s like to have a very effective giving spirit to get a number of people smoothly learn several very confusing topics. You truly surpassed her expected results. Many thanks for churning out those warm and helpful, healthy, educational and easy thoughts on the topic to Mary.

    Reply
  • barrel

    Piece of writing writing is also a excitement, if you know then you can write or else it is
    complicated to write.

    Reply
  • barrel

    Piece of writing writing is also a excitement, if you know then you can write or else it is
    complicated to write.

    Reply
  • barrel

    Piece of writing writing is also a excitement, if you know then you can write or else it is
    complicated to write.

    Reply
  • barrel

    Piece of writing writing is also a excitement, if you know then you can write or else it is
    complicated to write.

    Reply
  • barrel

    Piece of writing writing is also a excitement, if you know then you can write or else it is
    complicated to write.

    Reply
  • barrel

    Piece of writing writing is also a excitement, if you know then you can write or else it is
    complicated to write.

    Reply
  • barrel

    Piece of writing writing is also a excitement, if you know then you can write or else it is
    complicated to write.

    Reply
  • barrel

    Piece of writing writing is also a excitement, if you know then you can write or else it is
    complicated to write.

    Reply
  • barrel

    Piece of writing writing is also a excitement, if you know then you can write or else it is
    complicated to write.

    Reply
  • barrel

    Piece of writing writing is also a excitement, if you know then you can write or else it is
    complicated to write.

    Reply

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.