Jordan is in his apartment. His roommate Noah is in the apartment. Jordan and Noah are sitting on the floor. Noah says, “Stephen Colbert interviewed Eminem on a public access TV show that aired only in Monroe, Michigan.” Jordan says, “Cool.” Jordan says, “Do you want to drink beer with me?” Noah says, “I’m going take a twelve-hour nap.” Jordan says, “Okay.”


Jordan and Eric are in a Waffle House. Jordan and Eric are eating food. Eric says, “I’m going to put Waffle House sauce and mayonnaise on this biscuit.” Jordan says, “We need to drive to Georgia again and buy forty ounces and go to Waffle House.” Eric says, “When my dog died a couple weeks ago I bought an O.E. and poured it out for him. He was an ugly dog.” Jordan says, “Forties of Steel Reserve are real.” Eric says, “That’s not a good idea. Are they plastic?” Jordan says, “Yeah.” Jordan says, “These pickles are good.” A person puts Jordan and Eric’s checks on the table. The person says, “How was it? Was it good?” Jordan says, “Yes good thank you.” Eric says, “Good thank you.” The person walks somewhere else. Jordan says, “I’m going to order twenty-six sides of grits and smother the grits all over my body.” Eric says, “Like get naked and roll around?” Jordan says, “One day we should just wake up and eat at every Waffle House in Jacksonville.” Eric says, “I feel like that would be the most eventful thing I’ve ever done.”  Jordan says, “That’s how we die.” Eric says, “That would be okay.” Jordan says, “They ate at Waffle house seven times in one day. They died quietly while sitting in a corner booth. No one noticed. No one cared.” Eric says, “I just spilled mayonnaise on my face.”


Jordan and Eric are in a Murphy’s express. They are standing in a line. Jordan looks at a box of aluminum straws. Jordan says, “Aluminum straws.” Jordan stares at a DVD called American Pie. Jordan says, “Should we buy this and watch it at your apartment?” Eric says, “I have to work today.”  Eric works at Subway. Jordan walks to the counter. He looks at a person. Jordan says, “Five on pump eight.” The person says, “Okay.” Jordan hands the person five dollars. Jordan and Eric walk outside Murphy’s Express. Jordan puts gas into his car. Jordan and Eric get inside the car. Jordan drives the car down Beach Blvd. Jordan says, “I’m going to eat McDonald’s in my car and cry.” Eric says, “I’ve watched two seasons of Scrubs in the last three days.” Jordan says, “Zach Braff.” Eric says, “Garden State is a good movie.” Jordan says, “I liked that movie in high school.” Eric says, “Zach Braff has super good taste in music.” Jordan laughs. Eric says, “What if we had ten thousand dollars?” Jordan says, “We wouldn’t be in Florida right now.” Eric says, “I feel like we’d be in New York but I don’t know why.” Jordan says, “Yeah pick up Robert and Emma and drive to New York.” Jordan says, “I’ve never been to New York so I don’t know if it’s real or not.” Eric says, “It only exists in episodes of Hey Arnold.”


Jordan is in his apartment. Robert is in the apartment.  Jordan and Robert stare into the storage closet. Robert is holding a twin Mattress. Robert puts the mattress inside the closet. The closet is the same size as the mattress. Robert says, “It fits. This is a fucking hot commodity right here.” Jordan says, “It’s a good sized closet. Or at least the mattress fits.” Robert says, “I love it.” Robert walks outside the closet. Robert picks up a small trashcan. Robert places the trashcan at the foot of the mattress. Robert says, “I can drink beer in bed and throw away beer cans.”


Jordan is sitting outside Scottie’s Convenience Store. Robert is sitting outside Scotties Convenience Store. There is a twelve pack of Miller Lite between Jordan and Robert. Jordan and Robert drink Miller Lite. A person walks up to Jordan and Robert. The person sits beside Jordan and Robert. The person says, “Yo. What’s up?” Robert says, “Nothing much. Want a beer?”  The person says, “Yeah. I’m Steve.” Jordan hands Steve a beer. Steve says, “I’m hitching to New Orleans.” Steve opens up a bag. There is a box of B-12 vitamins and a sewing kit inside the bag. Steve says, “I found this shit in the trash do you think I can sell it?” Jordan says, “Probably not on the streets but on EBay maybe. I don’t know.” Steve says, “I just got out of prison. Seven years. Jumped a counter at a convenience store. Bad stuff.” Robert says, “Shit that sucks. Freedom.” Steve says, “Hell yeah I’m living free baby.”


Jordan is in his apartment. Jordan walks into Robert’s closet. Jordan says, “Do you want to drink beer with Eric and Eric’s friend.” Robert says, “Sure.” Robert stands. Robert isn’t wearing a shirt. Pennies are stuck to Robert’s chest and lower back. Jordan says, “There’s some pennies on you.” Robert says, “Pennies always get stuck to me.”


Jordan, Robert, and Eric are at a bar. Jordan says, “I only have four dollars.” Eric says, “I only have two dollars.” Jordan says, “Do you want to walk to Best Choice and buy a four pack of PBR and walk back to the bar and drink them at the bar.” Eric says, “Yeah.” Jordan and Eric walk toward Best Choice Beer and Sodas. Eric says, “If I win the lottery and buy an El Camino will you still hangout with me.”  Jordan says, “I’ll hangout with you more.” Jordan says, “If you strive for capitalist goods your belly will be full but you will still be starving, according to my insane uncle.” Eric walks inside Best Choice Beer and Sodas. Eric walks outside of Best Choice Beer and Sodas. Eric is holding a four pack of sixteen-ounce cans of Colt 45 Malt Liquor.  He says, “I got Colt 45.” Jordan says, “They don’t sell Colt at the bar.” Eric says, “I’m a stupid asshole.” Jordan and Eric walk to the bar. Jordan and Eric sit outside with Robert. Robert says, “They don’t sell Colt here.” Jordan says, “Yeah he fucked up but it’s okay.” Eric says, “Our lives are over. We’re going to die.” Jordan says, “You’re not allowed to be 21 anymore. You’re 17 again.” Robert walks inside the bar. Robert walks outside the bar. Robert is holding three pint glasses. Jordan, Robert, and Eric pour Colt 45 Malt Liquor into pint glasses. Jordan, Robert, and Eric drink Colt 45 Malt Liquor out of pint glasses.


Jordan is sitting on the front porch. Robert is sitting on the front porch. Jordan and Robert are drinking Budweiser. The song “I’m Just Going To Leave Now” by Defiance, Ohio is playing on Robert’s cellular phone. Jordan says, “Budweiser America Budweiser.” Robert says, “This Budweiser tastes funny.” Jordan says, “They were in my car.” Robert says, “I’m on Tindr. I want to have sex. Anal sex. Handjob.” Jordan says, “I don’t wanna work tomorrow.” Robert says, “I’m just going to stay up all night and watch the sunrise, I don’t know.” An ambulance drives by the apartment. The ambulance makes ambulance noises. A person walks past the apartment. The person is walking a dog. Robert says, “I might go buy a four-pack.” Jordan says, “I’ll walk with you, if you want.” Robert says, “Okay. I might drive. No, we can walk.” Robert looks at his cellular phone. He says, “I’m out of swipes. This is bad.” Jordan says, “What does your profile say?” Robert says, “All cops are bastards.”


Jordan is at a Laundromat. He puts clothes into a washer. He pours detergent into a washer. He puts quarters into a slot. He stares at a TV. The TV is small. A person named Jerry Springer is on the TV. Jerry Springer has a concerned facial expression. Jerry Springer is nodding his head. Jordan walks outside of the Laundromat. It’s hot outside. Jordan sits on a lawn chair. He scrolls through Twitter on his cellular phone. A person is sitting on the sidewalk. The person is smoking a cigarette. Jordan stares at the person. He thinks, “Okay.” Jordan scrolls through Twitter on his cellular phone. Jordan looks at a person. The person is picking aluminum cans out of a trashcan. It’s raining. Jordan stares at the rain. He walks inside the Laundromat. He stares at the TV. A person on the TV slaps a person on the TV.


Jordan is standing in the living room. Jordan looks into the bathroom. Emma is standing in the bathroom. Jordan walks into his bathroom. Emma is putting make-up onto her face. The song “Come To Me” by Cat Power is playing on Emma’s IPhone. Emma looks at Jordan. Emma is dancing. Jordan is dancing. Jordan grabs Emma’s hips. Emma grabs Jordan’s hips. Jordan and Emma are dancing. Jordan thinks, “Emma is probably going to break up with me soon.”


Jordan is in his apartment. He is lying on the floor. Jordan picks up his laptop computer. He listens to a podcast. He thinks, “What am I supposed to be doing.” Jordan picks up a wine glass. He drinks Peach Cisco. He puts the wine glass on the floor. He picks up the book Good Morning, Midnight by a person named Jean Rhys. He thinks, “Cool cover.” Jordan puts the book on the floor. A person on the podcast says, “It occurs to me that it might be funny to text my friend a picture of a baby with a very large penis.” Jordan thinks, “What should I do, I’m alone. I could do something.” Jordan picks up a pillow. He puts the pillow over his face. Jordan is asleep. Emma walks into the apartment. Emma wakes up Jordan. Emma sits on the floor. She touches Jordan’s knee. Emma says, “There’s a bug bite on your knee, did you go outside today?” Jordan says, “No, but I was outside other days. Just not today.” Emma says, “Your socks are inside out. Both of them. What did you do today?” Jordan says, “Listened to a podcast. Drank some Cisco.” Emma says, “Bret Easton Ellis?” Jordan says, “No, I don’t really like him anymore. I listened to Tao Lin. Then Amelia Gray. I don’t know who she is.” Emma says, “Is she a writer?” Jordan says, “Yeah.” Emma says, “What did she talk about?” Jordan says, “Being depressed at Arizona State University.” Emma says, “Okay.” Jordan says, “I kind of want to drive to Gainesville.” Emma says, “Let’s do it.” Jordan says, “I don’t have money.” Emma sits on top of Jordan. Oscar stares at Jordan and Emma. Jordan says, “We’re trying to make a porno, stop.” Emma says, “What if we strapped a camera to his little head and he was the director?” Jordan says, “Dictator. A cat dictator. ” Emma says, “No a director.” Jordan says, “Of a porno?” Emma says, “Wait, no.”


Jordan, Robert, and Eric are in Taco Bell. Robert is standing at the counter. Jordan and Eric are sitting at a table. Robert walks to the table. Robert is holding a bag. Robert sits at the table. He puts the bag on the table. He opens the bag. Eric says, “Is that a cheese roll-up? That’s large.” Robert says, “It’s a beefy Doritos burrito.” Robert says, “Can I have a dollar?” Jordan hands Robert a dollar. Eric hands Robert a dollar. Eric says, “Get something nice.” Jordan says, “Get something great.” Robert says, “I love you.” Jordan says, “I love you.” Eric says, “I love you.” Robert walks to the Taco Bell counter. Eric says, “Two dollars. Get something great.” Robert walks to the table. Robert sits. Jordan says, “I smell bad.” Eric says, “Yeah.” Robert says, “Why did we get drunk and eat so many corndogs last night?” Jordan says, “Remember when I was dancing and drinking that frozen bullshit strawberry thing and you were like why do we exist. That was funny. I felt existentially fucked for like thirty seconds. I fell asleep listening to Pat the Bunny.” Eric says, “Do I look okay?” Robert says, “No.” Eric says, “I don’t feel okay.” Robert says, “Do I look okay.” Jordan says, “Yeah.” Eric says, “Are most people terrible assholes?” Robert says, “Shut up. I’m gonna buy a selfie stick.”


Jordan is lying on the floor. Eric is lying on the floor. Noah is lying on the floor. Eric is trying to open a whip it with a cracker. Eric stares at the cracker. He says, “Why don’t you work? Look at where the holes are. Every single time it is around the sides. It’s not lining up straight.” Noah says, “People that do whip its aren’t suppose to think this much.” Eric says, “I know what to do.” Noah says, “You’re suppose to do whip-its and just not think.” Jordan says, “It’s not suppose to be a struggle. It’s supposed to relieve the struggle.” Eric says, “It’s all a struggle.” Jordan says, “Let’s go spend my rent money on a really good cracker.” Eric says, “Can we?” Jordan says, “No.” Eric says, “You know what the problem is? Fuck. I wanna do this whip it.”


Jordan is in his apartment. He is in the bathroom. Jordan is sitting on a toilet. He is shitting into the toilet. Jordan is listening to the album 14 Year Old High School PC-Fascist Hype Lords Rip Off Devo for the Sake of Extorting $$$ from Helpless Impressionable Midwestern Internet Peoplepunks by The Coneheads. Jordan thinks, “I love the things people make sometimes.” Jordan pushes shit out of his asshole. Robert walks into the apartment. Robert opens the bathroom door. Jordan says, “I’m taking a shit.” Robert says, “I have to shit so bad.” Jordan says, “I’m taking a shit. Sorry.” Robert says, “I have to shit really bad.” Jordan says, “I’m taking a shit.” Robert says, “Okay.” Jordan says, “You have to listen to this band.” Robert says, “Who are they.” Jordan says, “The Coneheads.” Robert says, “It sounds good. Your shit smells bad.” Jordan says, “I know.” Robert closes the door. Jordan looks around the bathroom. He picks up toilet paper. Jordan nods his head to The Coneheads. He thinks, “This is nice.” Jordan wipes his asshole.


Jordan is in his apartment. He is lying on the floor. He is reading the book The Human War by a person named Noah Cicero. Oscar walks into the living room. Jordan stares at Oscar. Oscar smells a box of blueberry pop tarts. Jordan says, “Stop being an asshole.” Jordan stares at the ceiling fan. He thinks, “I have to work early tomorrow. It’s late. Fuck.” Jordan hears an ambulance drive by his apartment. He looks at his IPhone. Jordan stands. He walks into the kitchen. He opens the fridge. He stares inside the fridge. He picks up a gallon of milk. He drinks milk. Jordan walks into the living room. He stares at Oscar. Oscar is lying in a dustpan. Jordan says, “What are you doing? Are you dust?” Jordan walks into the bathroom. He pees. He thinks, “Maybe I should just drink wart cream and die.” Jordan flushes the toilet. Jordan walks into the living room. He sits on a couch cushion. He looks at his arm. He looks at his fingers. He thinks, “I don’t want to go to work.” Jordan walks into his bedroom. Jordan lies in bed. He looks at Emma. Emma is asleep. He thinks, “I have work in four hours.” Jordan rubs Emma on the arm.


Jordan, Robert, and Noah are drinking Old English Malt Liquor on a dock downtown. Jordan opens a sixteen-ounce can of Old English Malt Liquor. Jordan drinks Old English Malt Liquor. Noah plays a Drake song on his cellular phone. Robert says, “I think Drake is slightly autistic.” Noah says, “I don’t have Asperger’s. I’ve been to a behavior therapist and a psychiatrist and everything.” Jordan says, “I don’t think Drake smokes marijuana, he’s funny to me.” Jordan says, “Tell me about the Meek Mill versus Drake beef.” Noah says, “Oh shit. Okay. What happened was Meek Mill made an album. Drake is on the album. Look at that bird. Meek Mill. Meek Mill made an album. Drake is on the album. Drake did a feature. Meek’s album isn’t doing well. Meek Mill wanted Drake to Tweet the album. Drake didn’t Tweet the album. Meek Mill got mad that he wouldn’t Tweet the album. Every rapper has ghostwriters or at least all the industry rappers do so Drake obviously does. Meek Mill got Mad. He said that Drake doesn’t write his own songs on Twitter because he wouldn’t retweet the album. Drake wouldn’t retweet Meek Mill’s album. Meek said a bunch of shit because his album was flopping. Drake dissed him on a track. Meek Mill said something mean. Drake dropped two tracks back-to-back. He fucked Meek Mill.” Jordan says, “Do you think Meek Mill is going to pay somebody to shoot Drake in the face?” Noah says, “Yeah.” Robert says, “I applied for a job at Foot Locker the other day.” Jordan says, “I feel like I don’t want to be a cog in the machine. I’m being serious right now. I don’t know how else to say it without sounding like Bukowski. There are enough cogs in the machine to run the machine okay. The machine doesn’t need my cog.” Robert says, “Have you ever seen The Shining. That’s going to be you. You’re going to be a writer. You’re going to go insane.” Jordan says, “I had to turn in a writing journal for a poetry class and I just wrote ‘all work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy’ a lot of times. I didn’t think she was going to read it. She wasn’t happy.” Noah says, “I wish we had a djembe.” Robert says, “We could smoke marijuana right here. I would think that someone smelt it and feel scared. I hate smoking pot. Why does it make me feel the way it does?” Noah says, “You just need to smoke pot when you’re comfortable.” Robert says, “I’m never comfortable. It’s just existing. It all starts feeling like a dream, like where the fuck am I, and I start sweating. None of this makes sense. I wish I could be like ‘yeah I just live fuck it.’ I can’t do it though.” Jordan says, “Yeah most people are just like ‘Okay I’m a person’ and just kind of accept being a person. I don’t know.” Robert says, “Cocaine makes me feel better. But I don’t have money for cocaine. I have twenty dollars.” Noah says, “Will you buy me a tattoo. A twenty dollar tattoo.” Robert says, “Yeah if someone else buys beer tonight.” Jordan says, “I’ll buy beer tonight if you spend twenty dollars on a tattoo.” Noah says, “I’ll get a tattoo. Twenty dollars.” Noah says, “I should get a heart with the word breakfast inside like Pat the Bunny.” Jordan says, “You should get a heart with a sausage inside.” Noah says, “It’ll look like a penis. I kind of like the heart breakfast.” Jordan says, “Do you like breakfast?” Noah says, “I kind of like breakfast. I mostly just eat cereal.” Jordan says, “What do you love?” Noah says, “I don’t really love anything.” Jordan says, “Get a heart with the word nothing in it.” Noah says, “A heart with Kanye inside of it.” Jordan says, “Something to do with you being a nihilist or something to do with loving Kanye West.” Noah says, “I might just get Kanye West tattooed on me.” Robert laughs. Jordan laughs. He says, “That seems funny. Basic letters. Helvetica. Thigh tattoo.” Noah says, “He will have to shave it.” Jordan says, “Thigh tattoos are funny.” Noah says, “Okay. Okay. Okay. I’m going to do it.” Robert says, “I thinks there’s a tattoo parlor in the Landing. Strip mall tattoo. Yeah.” Jordan says, “Wait is this real?” Noah says, “Yeah. Yeah. Let’s go.” Jordan, Robert, and Noah walk to the Jacksonville Landing. Noah says, “Should I get Kanye West on one thigh and George Bush on the other thigh?” Jordan says, “Jesus.” Jordan, Robert and Noah walk into the tattoo parlor. Noah says, “This, I feel like, this is okay. I can do this and it will be okay.” Jordan says, “Yeah.” Noah walks up to a counter. He says, “I think I want to get the words ‘Kanye West’ tattooed on my thigh.” The person says, “Kanye West.” Noah says, “Yeah just like Kanye.” The person says, “Do love Kanye West?” Noah says, “Not really.” The person says, “Kanye West.” Noah says, “How much would that be?” The person says, “Kanye West. Um, Fifty dollars.” Noah says, “I have twenty.” The person says, “I can do that.” The person says, “Are ya’ll fuckin around or y’all serious? Don’t play.” Noah says, “I’m serious.” The person says, “You’re drunk.” Noah says, “I’m not drunk.” The person says, “You like Kanye West?” Noah says, “It’s funny to me.” The person says, “Kanye one of the best rappers.” The person shows the words ‘Kanye West’ in different fonts on a computer. The person shows the words ‘Kanye West’ in Walt Disney font. Noah says, “That’s cool.” Noah gets the word ‘Kanye West’ tattooed on his thigh in Disney Font while a drake song is playing.


Jordan is in his apartment. Jordan is lying in bed. He thinks, “Should I go eat food even though I’m not hungry.” He thinks,  “If I killed myself then I wouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow. I wouldn’t be able to do other things I like doing in the future.” He thinks, “I don’t like doing things. I feel confused. I wish I had a bike so I could ride it somewhere. I might walk to the St. Johns River.” He thinks, “I wish it was cold outside. I could wear a hoodie.” Jordan stands. He walks outside his apartment. It’s dark outside. It’s raining a little. Jordan walks toward Best Choice Beer and Sodas. He thinks, “I feel like that one Green Day song.” He thinks, “I wouldn’t feel upset if someone robbed me or screamed something mean in my face.” Jordan walks inside Best Choice Beer and Sodas. Jordan looks at candy. He stares at Boston Baked Beans Candy Coated Peanuts. He picks up Boston Baked Beans Candy Coated Peanuts. He walks to the drink section. He looks at drinks. He thinks, “I want a bottle of root beer. I’ll look like an asshole.” Jordan grabs a bottle of IBC Root Beer. He walks toward the counter. He buys Baked Beans Candy Coated Peanuts and IBC Root beer. He walks outside Best Choice Beer and Sodas. He thinks, “I feel okay.” He walks toward the St. Johns River. He waits at the edge of the road. Jordan stares at a red light-up hand. The red light-up hand turns into a white light-up person. Jordan sees people standing near the St. Johns River. Jordan turns around. He walks toward his apartment. Jordan opens IBC Root Beer. He thinks, “It looks like I’m drinking beer. I’ve thought the same when I was younger and felt more amused. I wish I could feel happy for a whole day and not think about anything bad. I’m just going to smoke crack.” Jordan drinks IBC Root Beer. Jordan puts IBC Root Beer into a trashcan. He opens Boston Baked Beans Candy Coated Peanuts. He thinks, “Are these beans or peanuts, they taste like beans. Why are they called beans if they’re peanuts. Because they taste like beans.” Jordan eats a Boston Baked Bean Candy Coated Peanut. He thinks, “This is good.” He walks inside his apartment. Jordan sits on the living room floor. Oscar sits next to Jordan. Jordan says, “These are bean flavored peanuts, go away.” Jordan says, “Just kidding, stay with me.”


Jordan is in his apartment. He is lying in bed. Robert walks into the bedroom. Robert is wearing a Winn-Dixie shirt. Robert says, “I saw a cat get run over today.” Jordan says, “Did it die?” Robert says, “Yeah I think so. Can I lie down with you for a minute?” Jordan says, “Yeah.” Robert lies on the bed. Robert says, “I’m twenty-two at midnight. I’m forcing everyone to get drunk with me.” Jordan says, “You’re twenty-two.” Robert says, “Yeah.” Jordan says, “Twenty-two.” Robert says, “I slept until two p.m. today.” Jordan says, “I love sleeping until two.” Robert says, “I can sleep until like five tomorrow. I kind of want to smoke a cigarette in the bathroom.” Jordan says, “I’ve slept until six before.” Robert says, “That happened to me once and I didn’t even do anything the night before. It happened when I was younger. I woke up freaking out. I ate some Turkish Delight candies and thought maybe they were drugged. I don’t know. I hope I don’t die tonight. I really want to make it to like twenty-two and a half.” Jordan says, “At least make it to like twenty-six.” Robert says, “At least twenty-two and one day.” Jordan says, “The best part about sleeping is the five minutes before you fall asleep. Just thinking about being asleep and how good it’s going to be.” Robert says, “When I was in high school I was depressed for a while and I would just sleep so much.” Robert lies on his side. Robert looks at Jordan. Robert says, “Why are you wearing my shirt?” Jordan says, “I don’t have any clean shirts.” Robert says, “That’s my only clean shirt. I was thinking about wearing that shirt all day.” Robert looks out the window. He says, “Doesn’t it look like it’s becoming fall?” Jordan looks out the window. He looks at a tree. Jordan says, “Yeah. Looks nice.”


Jordan is at a park. There is a pond at the park. There are ducks in the pond. Jordan is sitting on a bench. A person named Roger is sitting on the bench. Jordan met Roger outside a gas station across the street. Roger is drinking a Sparks malt beverage. Jordan is drinking Colt 45 Malt Liquor. Roger takes his wallet out of his pocket. He takes his business card out of his wallet. He says, “I do window treatments, draperies, I build birdhouses, I build birdfeeders. Look at this shit. I can’t let you have this because it’s got my bank account on the back.” Jordan says, “Okay.” Roger says, “My last name is Paisley, like the country singer. I taught him how to play guitar.” Jordan says, “You taught Brad Paisley how to play guitar?” Roger says, “Yeah that’s my cousin.” Jordan looks at Roger. Roger says, “Seriously that’s my partner. Well, he’s polish. My grandfather though. He was a bootlegger. A moonshiner in Alabama.” Jordan says, “That’s awesome.” Roger says, “Get the fuck off my ass and run out the door.” Jordan says, “What?” Roger says, “You like jokes?” Jordan says, “Yeah.” Roger says, “I got a joke for you.” Jordan says, “Okay.” Roger says, “There’s this guy. He walks in a bar. In one hand he’s got a dead cat. In the other hand he’s got a bucket of shit. He walks up to the bar and puts the dead cat on there and the bucket of shit up there. The bartender says, what would you like. He says, I’d like a shot and a beer. The bartender looks at him. He’s looking at the bucket of shit and he’s looking at the dead cat. The bartender says, where would you like the shot at? The guy says, I’d like the shot over here where the dead cat is. The bartender says, where do you want the beer at? The guy says, put the beer where the bucket of shit is. So, he drinks his shot, drinks his beer. Then he takes out his gun, shoots it at the bucket of shit and takes a bite out of the dead cat. Okay. Well, I’ll get to the punch line. On the third day he comes back in and sits the bucket of shit over here, sits the dead cat over here, orders a beer and a shot. Takes his drink, shoots his drink. Takes his shot, drinks his shot. Takes a bite out of the dead cat, shoots his gun into the bucket of shit. The bartender says, well sir, I’m gonna let you go two days, but a third time, what’s the reason for this. The guy says, well sir, I like to eat pussy and shoot the shit at the same time.” Jordan laughs. He says, “Did you make that up yourself?” Roger says, “Me? Yeah.” Jordan says, “Nice.” Roger says, “They just come to me. Do you ever watch Ellen DeGeneres?” Jordan says, “I’ve seen it before yeah.” Roger says, “She’s gentle. She’s calm, cool, and collected.” Jordan says, “Yeah okay.” Roger says, “She’s hilarious. I could watch her 24/7.” Jordan laughs. Roger laughs. Roger says, “Maybe it was God’s way for us to meet.” Jordan says, “Ellen DeGeneres.” Roger says, “Ellen DeGeneres.” Roger says, “You see that sleeping duck?” Jordan says, “Yeah.” Roger says, “I’m gonna wake his ass up.” Roger stands. Roger walks to the duck. The duck doesn’t move. Roger taps the duck with his foot. Roger says, “That’s a dead duck. This duck is not alive.” Jordan says, “Shit.” Roger says, “Come over here.” Jordan says, “Over by the dead duck?” Roger says, “Yeah. Come over here.” Jordan says, “Okay.” Jordan stands. Jordan walks to the duck. Roger says, “We gonna give this duck a Viking burial.” Jordan says, “Okay.” Roger says, “Pick him up.” Jordan says, “Pick up this duck that is dead?” Roger says, “Yeah we’re gonna throw him in the pond. Right over the fence and in the pond.” Jordan says, “Um, okay.” Jordan picks up the dead duck. The dead duck is warm. Jordan throws the dead duck over the fence. The dead duck floats in the water.


Jordan is in his apartment. Jordan is lying in bed. He thinks, “I don’t have to brush my teeth because I went to the dentist.” Jordan looks at his cellular phone. Jordan checks his email. Robert walks inside Jordan’s room. Robert says, “We’re fucked.” Jordan says, “Why?” Robert says, “North Korea.” Jordan says, “North Korea.” Robert says, “North Korea is going to nuke America. The internet.” Jordan says, “Nuclear war.” Robert says, “Yeah.” Jordan says, “I don’t want to.” Robert says, “All this worrying for nothing, we’re going to die in a war. We need guns.” Jordan says, “For a nuclear war?” Robert says, “Yeah. Do think America is going to start a nuclear war?” Jordan says, “I don’t know.” Jordan looks at his cellular phone. He looks up ‘north korea’ on the Internet. Jordan says, “This is between North Korea and South Korea. I’m not in South Korea.” Robert says, “South Korea is basically America. We’re stationed in South Korea. If North Korea fucks with South Korea then we have to fuck with North Korea and then it’s a nuclear war.” Jordan says, “Fuck.” Robert says, “Can I sleep with you tonight? I’m scared.” Jordan says, “Yeah if you want to.” Robert walks into the living room. Jordan stares at the ceiling fan. He stares at his legs. He thinks, “My legs are sweaty, it’s hot.” Jordan touches his leg. He thinks, “South Korea.” He thinks, “The world is big. I wish I could see all of it.” Jordan walks into the kitchen. He stares inside the refrigerator. He looks at bologna. He picks up bologna. Jordan eats bologna.


Jordan is in his apartment. Jordan is lying on the floor. He looks at his IPhone. He looks at the ceiling fan. He thinks, “I’m stupid. What am I going to do?” He looks at Oscar. He sees Oscar licking his leg. Jordan says, “Sexy legs.” Jordan whistles. Oscar walks toward Jordan. Jordan pets Oscar on the face. Emma walks out of the shower. Jordan says, “Wanna go to the bedroom?” Emma says, “Yeah.” Jordan and Emma walk into the bedroom. Jordan and Emma lie in bed. Emma says, “Look at this.” Emma lifts up her shirt. Jordan looks at Emma’s boobs. Emma says, “I went tanning again.” Jordan says, “Oh nice.” Emma says, “We need a couch.” Jordan says, “We don’t need a cow.” Emma says, “Couch.” Jordan says, “Cowch.” Emma says, “We need a cow and a couch.” Jordan says, “Why?” Emma says, “To cuddle with a cow on a couch.” Jordan says, “Couch on a cow.” Emma says, “Tiny couch on large cow. I can’t wait for October. The weather.” Jordan says, “I can’t wait for right now.” Emma says, “I like right now.” Jordan says, “Me too.”


Blake Middleton lives in Jacksonville, FL. He has a couple short stories on and a ~2000 word poem on He tweets @blaketheidiot and edits the online lit journal Uncle Ken Presents.

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