I Just Can’t Pound Warm Cans of Busch Beer in the Backseat of a Car Like I Used To: A Memoir

School is cool and all, but

Walker Texas Ranger teaches you

how to humble someone real good

by karate chopping their throat

while they eat spaghetti

at a strip club, so….

 

 

 

I either feel nothing or I feel too much, which is most prevalent whenever I start tearing up during even the cornier Rocky movies

*stranger at bar mistakes me for someone they know*

Stranger:

My bad. Thought you were someone else.

Me:

No worries. I thought I was someone else once, too.

*pause*

Didn’t work out.

 

 

 

Dream of a dinosaur-like demon that’s in the background somewhere but it’s just dead or sleeping and isn’t too scary

The movie Marked for Death is literally 90 minutes

of Steven Seagal giving compound arm fractures

to scary Rasta dudes, as if

the entire Jamaican bobsled team

from the movie Cool Runnings

got fucked up real bad.

 

 

 

Manufacturing a “Stone Cold” Steve Austin lamp that, when you pull the string, says, “I’ll knock your lights out, kid!” in a muffled “Stone Cold”-like voice

The movie Bloodsport is a morality tale

about never giv­ing up on your dreams,

even if those dreams become slight nightmares

as you’re being chased around Hong Kong

by Forest Whitaker

and he’s carrying

a stun gun.

 

 

 

I Drink & Do Drugs so I Can Stand the Company of Myself & Others: a Star Wars Story

When a family member

(or even an old friend)

contacts you saying they’d

like to come visit,

tell them you’re now homeless.

They’ll probably change

their mind.