I Just Can’t Pound Warm Cans of Busch Beer in the Backseat of a Car Like I Used To: A Memoir
School is cool and all, but
Walker Texas Ranger teaches you
how to humble someone real good
by karate chopping their throat
while they eat spaghetti
at a strip club, so….
I either feel nothing or I feel too much, which is most prevalent whenever I start tearing up during even the cornier Rocky movies
*stranger at bar mistakes me for someone they know*
My bad. Thought you were someone else.
No worries. I thought I was someone else once, too.
Didn’t work out.
Dream of a dinosaur-like demon that’s in the background somewhere but it’s just dead or sleeping and isn’t too scary
The movie Marked for Death is literally 90 minutes
of Steven Seagal giving compound arm fractures
to scary Rasta dudes, as if
the entire Jamaican bobsled team
from the movie Cool Runnings
got fucked up real bad.
Manufacturing a “Stone Cold” Steve Austin lamp that, when you pull the string, says, “I’ll knock your lights out, kid!” in a muffled “Stone Cold”-like voice
The movie Bloodsport is a morality tale
about never giving up on your dreams,
even if those dreams become slight nightmares
as you’re being chased around Hong Kong
by Forest Whitaker
and he’s carrying
a stun gun.
I Drink & Do Drugs so I Can Stand the Company of Myself & Others: a Star Wars Story
When a family member
(or even an old friend)
contacts you saying they’d
like to come visit,
tell them you’re now homeless.
They’ll probably change